STUMBLING ON THESE PATHS. A BIRTHDAY GROUNDS ME

I thought, maybe, that my current pathway options would be so overwhelming that I could not write. I felt, at first, I might never write here again. Instead, I have to find a way to express here, because it has become a safe spot, a place where I, in spite of the fact that this is often an illusion, feel interconnected, but not too exposed. I need that right now. I can't write about the pathways I face at the moment--and I do not mean for that to be alluring, I really can't. Maybe I will someday and maybe I will never even speak of it again. These are pathways I am walking with sheer dismay. Whether the light shines here or not, I have my eyes closed. I am jumping at any sound. I shake at what lies ahead, and my heart races to wake me from sleep. But the point is this. I love the look of ecstasy that River had on his face the few times we sang Happy Birthday this weekend. The first time was in the dirt, on his real birthday. He had a tummy ache for a few days this week, and it continued Saturday. I let him choose gluten free brownie at the Farmer's Market and he ate the whole thing quick. Then I brought some to soccer for the team and he ate another (I know, can you believe it after my food post?--I am a real sucker for the anything you want on your birthday stuff--But he did have 4 bowls of salad the night before). By the time we were opening presents as a family, his tummy hurt again. We (mostly him, I just helped move dirt) built a dirt resevoir by piling dirt and digging a hole in the center. It was his idea, when I asked if he wanted brownies, cake, or cookies for his candles, to put the candles in the dirt. So I did (a candle # 2 and the three more required candles, one that we had to cut in half to make 5 total--sometimes we are rather delinquent parents on the details but we made it work). Then, I took the animals that had been playing in the "habitat" and circled them around the "cake". At first I thought River said he didn't want us to sing, just blow out the candles, but when I said we don't have to sing, he looked devastated. Oh, he wants us to sing. O.k. and a 1 and a 2 and a 3..."Happy Birthday to you..." His eyes glaze over, a natural half grin crosses his face, like I said, ecstasy. And I had one of those instantaneous flashes to Canyon at Birthday #1, the same look on his face, like, this is all for me? Yeah! "All the animals circled round for my birthday mama" he says when we finish. I love that. We sang it two more times right before bed...same look. And then yesterday at the party, same look. Fascinating. I figure all that waiting all year at other kids parties that when the time finally comes, it is just a total embodied delight. The ultimate recognition of self. So my words are making it out my fingers, that is good. I have this thing about the authenticity of my blog. About writing from an open heart space. I assure you, this is all artifice. I exist in one aspect of my heart here, there is so much more and so many conflicted parts, and so much struggle that there is no way what I portray represents an authentic part of it all. But, again, I am grateful I can write. It is an anchor for me right now, one that I felt like had been pulled up for a period this weekend. I looked around the room. There is nothing to reach out for here. There is nothing to help me here. It is me alone. But here I am again, it holds me down, keeps me from being a total loss on these paths. The one way I know to go. For now.