Experience

I am not sure why, how, or if I am still awake. Tonight there were no lights (again). Except the moon (again) and the fire (again). But dancing in the dark is full of disorientation. We still moved. And there was the moment of light, of dancing my bit. And it hit hard. To the core of this loss. Of this path. Push, push, push. Out. Hiding from what has been expelled. I am in a head space and my body has taken over. Rejoice and be o.k. Move in out and above. Fill it all with love. I understand very clearly what I would have to do to move out of this cycle. I see the karmic swirl of my place here. I want so badly to jump to the other side. I know the elements for a manifestation of my spirit. I see the the compliments, almost in reach. I sense them fading away, I sense a colossal door closing and the windows becoming foggy. A sinking. I fear a lasting regret. There is an intersection here. I can sit comfortably in a place where I at least know the source of the stench. I am comfortable with the dirt. I need not push myself to self-reliance. I need not risk a loss or a loneliness. Even though lonely is one of my favorite ways to be. Love the lonely. I already am lonely--I like the independence implicit in my predicament. Writing in excessive abstractions is a dangerous lens into a segment of my cranial lobes. Not sure which. But there is delight and deftness, and desire and decision and diplomacy, and despair, and disgrace and distance and depression and dddd. Dare I say a lot under the surface for all of us I believe. A complexity of composition. Tonight it felt like loosely controlled chaos, with moments of sheer brilliance. And right now,I am carrying a chaos. Trying to figure the order. And thus be more composed. Some have it deciphered to a further degree. I am here. And my wheels are spinning. For some reason time seems like silly puddy, but only I am trapped in it. The rest of the world is moving too fast (away) please wait till I catch-up. Light from within is what makes us spin. I am following a dim path that will brighten at the end.