Anticipation

Maybe when I took the political out of this blog it lost its path. I know the central thing that preoccupies me right now, at my core anyways, is the election. I care deeply about my work, both personal and professional, but the most devastating occurrence for me would be to lose the upcoming election. Tonight I thought of that and imagined myself going outside and wailing, just wailing endlessly. That will not happen, I am confident of as much. I am afraid of my confidence, but I have it nonetheless, otherwise I would start wailing now. Tomorrow is a very big day. I will speak and attempt to persuade, and for whatever reason I have 3 minutes and I still feel a huge weight of responsibility. I am certain it is imagined. I am confident they have already completed the task without me. Nevertheless I am nervous. That's good I suppose. I can't imagine what it is like to be a candidate as election day nears. I have felt a surreal acceleration of time since the beginning of October, as if everything is cruising to one excruciating climax. Will we ever get there? I want that now, and I also never want it to come. The uncertainty is both plaguing and pleasurable, the synthesis of experience's dichotomy.

To Do Today:

Earth Healing Ceremony at the Idaho Botanical Garden When: Sunday, October 26th, 2008 Time: 2-5 pm Where: Idaho Botanical Garden, 2355 E. Old Penitentiary Rd Cost: Free and Open to the Public This Sunday, October 26th the Idaho Botanical Garden will host Native American Peace Keeper, Blue Thunder for a unique Earth Healing ceremony. Blue Thunder travels nation-wide, holding ceremonies that heal the environment and create a space for people to connect to the earth. Sunday’s event will include drumming, dancing and a talk by Blue Thunder. The Idaho Botanical Garden is one of Boise’s most treasured outdoor spaces. Nestled in the Boise Foothills, the garden used to be a Native American settlement and more recently was part of the Idaho State Penitentiary. This site was chosen because of that history. Blue Thunders acute awareness of our world’s current environmental condition offers participants a unique opportunity to take their fears and worries about the health of the planet and come together with their community to heal the earth and themselves. Participants will enjoy three hours of drumming, chanting , dancing and contemplating in the Botanical Gardens.

I would rather live in the Sectch again

Sometimes, it occurs to me that I am using this blog inappropriately. I found the most amazing blog via a friends blog by a girl who just totally rocks and she has this cartoon about how one should be contemplative before publishing a blog. I totally agree. But I refuse to do it...why? Maybe it is just where I am at right now. For whatever part is my doing or not, I have not had the most mellow last 5 years. I got to gradschool and found out I was pregnant and it has all just gotten a little crazy since then. A year ago I scoffed at blogs. Now I have 2--well 3 but I only write on 2. I am now scoffing at social networking, although I started a facebook page and am slightly addicted...and hating it at the same time. Really, hating it. I feel like voyeurism is so appealing and I feel like until you reach a certain level voyeurism is what is enabled by social networking and I feel like after you reach a certain level what is achieved is relation via electronic medium....and I feel like that is dangerous...because for me anyways, boundaries are not always clear via electronics. impressions are created in nanoseconds hearts are won or lost....folks who look good are superfaced, and well....I like hanging out with real people. A long time ago we lived in what we called THE SECTCH. There were 8 of us, plus Danica. We shared rooms and beds and many tears and lots of laughter and too many dirty dishes and a lot of we-- well, you know and also Carlo Rossi and the Dead and Merl and Phish and of course Bob and Toots and homework and we loved each other. Then. We left. And Japhy died and...those are still my favorite people in the world. If I could "facebook" with just them, or follow them on twitter...I would. I haven't been able to find Japhy there though. (I did find T and C and D and J). I don't mean to say that people who do get into that stuff are shallow, or stupid, or out of touch with the world or anything. Actually, they are likely none of those things (one could argue they are more "in touch")...I do mean to say that I find it a perversion...a perversion based on an attempt at a solution to a problem that cannot be solved electronically. Alienation. From intimacy and warmth and trust and commitment and depth. What i want right now is a cabin in the woods. There is a crick running through and tall pines. It is just me, and a journal and good books and a fire. That would make me feel human again...the rest of this bullsh-t makes me feel like a cyborg. I didn't have a cell phone until River was born and C and I decided that we needed it for emergencies. Before that I kept asking..."If you didn't have that thing imagine how spontaneous your interactions could be. What does it do to "fate" "chance" "destiny" to be iming and twittering and calling and texting...all-the-time? Who do you miss passing you by because you are networking with your head in your phone as you walk? What other phenomena in your environment do you miss cause you want to twitter about the one you just saw. Really. We will never know, it is too late and destiny has likely been changed for good.

Train Hopping

I figured it out. I have been scratching my head trying to figure out how to describe the feeling I have right now, because it is the first time I have felt this way in this way. I think I may have felt this way many times before, but not been in touch enough with my feelings to know that I had them. And to be quite honest, I think I preferred not knowing the feelings to knowing them and feeling them so much. I have not train hopped--my friends have--but I haven't. But I have read Dharma Bums a hundred times, so I think I know what it must be like to train hop. I feel like I switched trains in an invigorating in motion leap. I feel like I headed a new direction, towards a different destiny. And now I feel like I jumped off the train at full-speed and hit the ground hard. I am bruised, disoriented, scared and lost. And I also feel like I keep trying to jump back on the first train and as I leap, I keep losing my grip and falling under the tracks. And I feel like I like being under the tracks better than riding on either train for now. And somehow I know I will probably end up walking, the long way, and maybe never reaching any destination. In grad school, Mary Hawkesworth talked about Heigel's interpretation of Geist--the notion that spirit moves you forward to your next evolution through a sense of dissatisfaction with your present context. She explained that is why we had applied to grad school--something told us to "be more." I feel that now. I just am afraid of what I will, or maybe more so, what I won't become.