Train Hopping

I figured it out. I have been scratching my head trying to figure out how to describe the feeling I have right now, because it is the first time I have felt this way in this way. I think I may have felt this way many times before, but not been in touch enough with my feelings to know that I had them. And to be quite honest, I think I preferred not knowing the feelings to knowing them and feeling them so much. I have not train hopped--my friends have--but I haven't. But I have read Dharma Bums a hundred times, so I think I know what it must be like to train hop. I feel like I switched trains in an invigorating in motion leap. I feel like I headed a new direction, towards a different destiny. And now I feel like I jumped off the train at full-speed and hit the ground hard. I am bruised, disoriented, scared and lost. And I also feel like I keep trying to jump back on the first train and as I leap, I keep losing my grip and falling under the tracks. And I feel like I like being under the tracks better than riding on either train for now. And somehow I know I will probably end up walking, the long way, and maybe never reaching any destination. In grad school, Mary Hawkesworth talked about Heigel's interpretation of Geist--the notion that spirit moves you forward to your next evolution through a sense of dissatisfaction with your present context. She explained that is why we had applied to grad school--something told us to "be more." I feel that now. I just am afraid of what I will, or maybe more so, what I won't become.