Marrying the Movement

Today I considered the notion that really, to do my work I would have to marry the movement. It seems that is the only relation, besides my children, that I have time for and that I can experience without distrust, doubt and all the other anxieties there are in human to human relations. It certainly is my passion, it certainly feeds my soul and invigorates my senses, pushes me to be better and keeps me going when I'm down. It gives me a sense of commitment and purpose and I trust it to be there, since the cause is lasting the relation too is sure to be prolonged. It can't put its arms around me though. It does not wipe tears from my eyes, or touch me gently to show its affection. It doesn't listen, really to my fears and offer advice and it won't playfully explore with me in material ways. That's o.k. maybe. The movement hurts though. It makes me tired and scared and overwhelmed and sometimes I feel like I want to run and hide from it. Bury myself in a green thicket of vegetation, just breathe in moss and feel the wetness of the ground. But that is not the movement, that is me seeking alone time with the reason for the movement the protections of the earth and its growings. Today, when I heard activists of the 70's talking about their actions I was so overwhelmed with that sense that I was now in a relation and it was so intense and wonderful, but besides those with me in this movement, for now at least. I have to wrap my own arms around myself. Pat myself gently on the back, and talk myself to sleep into sweet dreams. For now, that seems like it is the challenge I face in coming into the power to not relate to the movement but to be it.