I Didn't Mean for it to be this Way

The blog I mean. Not at all. I had high aspirations for a themed blog about always looking for the progressive path (s). Not from a frame of mutual exclusivity, but from a place of inclusivity of multiple paths. Instead, for the most part, times like now included I come here to wallow through writing, to process some angst, to describe a confusion that is the worst malaise of action. I feel paralyzed. All this learning and connecting and knowing where to move towards, but always the feeling I have gotten nowhere, have not been quite understood, will not be able to even make a dent in this issue. I told a mentor I admire the other day, when he inquired as to how I was doing, that I was breaking under the weight of the issue, that I felt the whole cause on my back, and I was not doing it justice. Later, I was shocked I had admitted this to this person, on whose impression of me rests much potential for my career. More shocked though by his empathetic and understanding response, "You can't do that to yourself, you have to just do your best and know it is everything you are able to do and accept that as enough." This is why I have identified him as a true mentor I suppose, because he gets me and relates to how work. But I cannot accept his advice. Even as I sit here paralyzed, knowing that today I am not doing my best, not doing enough. Knowing that today I have retreated and am trying to go deeper into hiding. "Illusions of Grandeur." That phrase keeps coming to my head when I get this way about the work. Who do I think I am in anyways? In what world is this burden really mine? Why have I constructed my work as so important? People I love are living perfectly happy lives by doing normal work and leaving it at work and spending time with their families keeping the house and building gardens and offering community service. I am running around like a manic doomsdayer trying to get people to wake up to a crisis that I myself have not fully acknowledged. Every time I run the water scalding hot so I can feel the ache subside from my joints as it burns my hands while I scrub dishes I feel the guilt of the energy being used to heat the water. I see the flame light and its connection to the natural gas peaking plant, the hydrodams, the coal emitting plants. But I still run the water hot, thinking this may be the last year I have the privilege to do so. And I know my greatest handicap is my attitude towards the work, the guilt, the panic, even the passion. I know that if I could center and believe and operate not from a place of shame but steadfast optimism that I would not be so afraid, and then the work would be more effective. But I am just so afraid still. Instead of choosing a path, I am running up and down all the paths I can think of. When I am sick, or hurt, or tired I hide, disoriented. Which WAY??!! All I know is that it cannot be this way.