Reckless Blog 2

Its dangerous to have an on-line diary--even if you have two. Maybe its dangerous to have an on-line diary, but I do. I come here because I can't write on the other one about the day I had, or the night, or the evening. I will, parts of each, but not right now. not here at the end of this day when i am tired, overdone, torn apart and quite frankly terrified. I can't write there in this way about a crowd of progressives eating Barack Obama alive. I can't write there in this way about a group of activists pulling rank and bickering, eating their young. I can't explain how it feels to see the ground move out from under me, realize that what I thought was stable, affirming, a perfect fit is maybe just as bad as the worst of what I could have done. When did I accept the notion that righteous work would be done in a righteous way? maybe a more righteous way but not righteous enough. I can't write about how I am so tired from lack of sleep that I want to give in, sleep forever, not push myself into a frenzy of work that is sure to leave me depleted. Not near as depleted as the work that so many people do. Work that is not rewarding, work that they travel to from great distances and leave their families daily. Work that exploits them in the worst ways. But my threshold, pitiful as it may be, is low. This work is eating me up, it is spitting me out, it is dismembering my being. This happens sometimes. It is an "in"version that result in complete questioning. An inversion that makes me reach "out" and when bitten, bleed. I am learning to staunch this bleeding from a place with"in" my---self. I am learning to believe that even when a darkness beyond measure seems to descend it is the first indication that we are moving to a lightness. I am moving to a lightness. I despise individuation. I am disapointed by the frame that insists I operate as an internal soul with external behaviors. That is bull-sh-t! But it is. It is the way we are framed. Never mind the webs and the connections, and the places where meetings occur in psychic spaces. They are not part of the reality scape that is normalized and operative. Period. Period. Period. And still, I will insist that the internal external dichotomy is, if not a relic of the Cartesian frame then the Cartesian frame is a symptom of that misinterpretation of our animalness that is the scourge of society. It is the archetype for the multiple dualisms that create the contradictions, that lead to wars of revolution and the violences they in---flict. Dark and light is one of those frames. Read, here I go embracing a descriptive dualism that mirrors the internal/external dualism which creates the tension that leads to the conflict. But here I go: And it will be dark again sometimes, and I like the dark too. I like to imagine what may be there but isn't. I like to sense with my touch or my hands or my "inner"eye (Because I have an inner-self ...will someone please tell me what boundary distinction is present to demarcate where the inner-f-in self ends?!. The dark scares me, I need to be scared. And I know that when it gets dark again learning to orient myself through the work I did in the darkness before is the most critical tool I have. "I" INDIVIDUATED. It is dangerous to have an on-line diary--It jeopardizes ME and this post is why.