It fits for so many instances. Especially, travel abroad, and the effect upon return. Like a part of you is still where you were.
It was so strange to find myself at River's school this morning singing: "Boop dop Deep dop Watch An Choo!" While bopping my shoulders. Canyon was like butter in my lap. Melted into my body. Every once in a while he would turn to say, "I love you mama."And this is the happy-hard part. The love, affection, deep , deep connection mixed in with this disjuncture, the tearing, and wr(a)ipping, splitting and disconnecting.
I cried this morning. Sobbed really. Why don't I get to go to work?
All of that is gone. Its over anyways.
I had to concentrate on breathing through the desire to jump in my car and race to the Annex. Surely, SW needs his palm synced. There are a few more letters to send for SK.
The crazy one, still walking up and down the stairs talking to herself.
But I took to the boys instead. It was wonderful being at school together today. All three of us played, and it was hard to leave River to take Canyon to music. But we did.
And music was pleasing. Stretchy clothes and moving and singing together. I found myself really slipping.
What have I been thinking? Why am I not with my children? Why do I feel this need to work?
And I am exhausted by the singing and dancing and swinging and general foolish fun behavior. I can barely catch my breath.
What a joy.
But then, after a memorable lunch with dear BK and CK, I am ready to go to work. Now. I have more things to do.
So I go, and then I shift and it takes a few, but then, I can't leave. Perpetual and active remembrance as I move-out.
O.K. I was not present for Sine Die, and so I have the curse, my brain did not trigger "The End."
Hmmmmmm...
So sweet putting the boys to bath and food, and stories and bed, so soft falling asleep.
Still want to work again tomorrow.
This is a strange pendulum that I have yet to balance. I swing to-and-fro.
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