Carefull

I'm srue it is perfectly normal. I emean, it is like movin from the infant stage right? Except at super rapid speed. Weeks are onths, and months are years and years are a lifetime. If I felt reborn then u=of course this is what would happen next. That process of differentiation. HTe freudian moment when one realizes that they actully are an autonomous unit. Not attached to the breast. not sucking a the the mother. So I caome here to write. And if anyone reads this, which i do not know, but if they do--be warned this is the post that comes from the place where nothing else is safe enough to be a mode of expression. Even the waterclor seems to small--my strokes want to be braod and beyons the tine card canvas I have chosen. I could roll out the Statesman endrolls but that would take too much energy and know this my body still feels week. Maybe that is the otehr explanation, I am just nerve frazzled. I mean I worked 5 hours today. i cleaned the ouse three times, I wnet to R's wninter performance--we had dinner out afterwards. Ihaven't done that much in the 3 weeks since my emergency entry into the hospital. I had this dream the other night. I know ishouldn't talk about my dreams at night, but maybe i can write about them and it will be o.k. one of the nurses took me out to dinner and gbasically tried to suck my soul out. enough with the dreams. if i go there i havae to go there. the scary dark cold buildigns and the hot deep pools. the hurt kittens. enough. so this ins one of those posts where i will refuse to fix the typos refuse. so allso it makes sesne. i am autonomous. and the hollow feeling it is mine and it is real. i am not sure about the sense of isolation thae sesne theat i havve sold out--myself. the sense that somehow the morphine toxified my brain into a state of dumb acceptance. dammit. so i have this alter. i have 4 alters. make that fivecause one is to Obama. what a totla wste of surface space really--but they are all beautiful and if you count the fire mantel taht is six. why son't i just stop this and pray? i thinkk i will. ithink i will sit and contemplate. tirshgave me a book in the hosipaital called the red scarf it is about stalinist russia and the labor campes oand love and starvation and love and death and love and toruture and love and it iwas hell to read in pain, but it was my friend by the tie=ime i left the hospital and it was so long and it draggdthrough snow covered russia and itit made me woander if marx wwas in on it. if he made his own opium on purpose. and that scares me. but it eneded. and now i don't have i itanymore and i have to say goodbyw to sophia and i am sad. i think i will pray now.