Weekend with my boys.

I am here, spinning, floating, spiraling downward up and around. Twisted and weighted at times. Struck by intense heats and cold at others. The children journey through this with me. I manage to provide food, play, transport, and in general lived experience. But they are subject to my mood, my energy level, my preoccupations and some thankfully mutually satisfying obligations. So often I find myself searching in both places I occupy for me. And then I realize that this individualized conception has very nearly ceased to be--occupying a space the size of the thinnest wedge. Yet also there is the overlapping rainbow. The way I incorporate my being and my passion throughout interconnectedness of family and friends. Dancing to the drum, children play, and Canyon sleeps away. Offering care and support for friends and neighbors in their endeavors, savoring the experiences of childhood lived with our children. Sunshine, dirt, water, slides, and bikes. We hiked with Annie the Goat today. Ahhhh, my back aches from Canyon in the pack. I am rather small and he is, still small but also two and I didn't do well with River in the pack much past 18 months. Plus moving the rotatiller the day before with Justin. I can barely move. Lucky to go to Ryan Friday. Canyon has a rash. I told him tonight that we had an appointment with Ryan and he couldn't stop talking about it. "Ryan will help me feel better Mama. We go to Ryan's right now." Whoa, o.k., I think he hasn't been feeling well. I have lost serious touch at times with the kids eating and health. I know I should relax, but they do get sick when we don't have fresh almond milk, and focus on greens etc. I need to balance things out. River memorizes books like crazy. He has recited complex texts the last two nights. He doesn't read the words, he memorizes them after about 3 readings. I love seeing his face light up when he says magical sounding words like "myriad" from "Westlandia". It is just so nice to acknowledge the way he has grown and changed over the last 5 years. 5 years ago, I carried this big baby boy in my belly. I was so excited and for this last week, everything slowed way down. Still in classes, writing papers to the end. Then letting go. Traveling into the city to see the Matisse and Picasso exhibit in Queens. I squatted down in the galleries, making everyone nervous--drinking in the art and history of these two talents. My am I glad I went. Waiting in Penn station to return to Jersey. My mother was scandalized by my wide-leggedness. Leila laughed. We got on the train and learned of lightning in New Brunswick from Charlie on the cell. And I knew the baby would come. So he did, about 16 hours after I got off that train. So good to see Matisse and Picasso, to walk 32 blocks in NYC and move my baby out. A man in the subway tunnel exuberantly declared to me as we passed, "Ma'am you're having a boy!" I found out that he was correct very shortly thereafter. Right, Just Write. So anyways, there was more I am sure. But this is where I am for now. Having enjoyed the trials and jubiliations of a weekend with my boys.